


Love/Hate/Nothing

by MusicLyricsRule



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Foster Care, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Hatred, Slow Build, Suicidal Thoughts, That doesn't go with everything else
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-09-06 11:25:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8748781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicLyricsRule/pseuds/MusicLyricsRule
Summary: Alexander, an orphaned immigrant, is adopted by a high ranking official, George Washington. What follows is new friends, new lovers, new enemies, and most importantly, a new life.





	1. Just You Wait

**Author's Note:**

> My first fanfic! If you see any mistakes, tell me and I'll fix them. Other then that, enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander Hamilton begins his new life in New York.

The car bounced up and down across the road, rolling hills surrounding them. Early morning was not a good time for Alexander Hamilton to be up, but today was important. Today is the day that he meets his new family.

"Alexander," his social worker, Mary Richmond, began, "Remember that being nervous is okay, but if at any moment you feel uncomfortable, tell me. You know our code." He did, it was to ask what the weather would be like tomorrow.

As they began to approach their destination, houses started popping up, amazing and breathtaking in their own ways. Some had pillars, others had wrap-around porches. All looked expensive. Hamilton felt something deep in his heart stir, for what he wasn't sure yet. All he knew was that he missed Nevis, despite how difficult his upbringing was.

He took a deep breath in, and slowly exhaled. It was necessary to make it seem like he was okay (he wasn't), and to think of this as a good thing (he didn't think it was at all). 

Words... They used to be a lifeline for him, but in the most recent years of his short life, they were failing him. It's all becase of his mother's death. A death that he caused by being sick. He'll never understand why it didn't take him, his mother had so much going for her. She could've succeeded if not for Alexander.

His mother. His father. Both lives ruined, his mother's moreso after his father left. She always told Alexander that it wasn't because of him, but he knew better.

Now, here he was, without a family or home to call his own yet. Mary had high hopes for this family, but it was probably going to end like the last few. No one wanted a messed up teen. They couldn't handle "someone like that."

Everything ended like that. History has been repeating itself, all beginning with his father. His mother was the only to stay, but eventually death took her far, far away.

"-Alex?" Mary's soft voice cut through his thoughts, "How are you feeling?" He responded with a shrug. With his head being supported by his chin, he looked out the window at passing properties.

"I know this is hard for you, but we have to work together. We're a team, Alex." _Now we're not,_ he wanted to say, _you're being paid to do this. Never once did you actually care about me, no one does and no one should._ He closed his eyes in hopes of drowning everything out.

~

Sighing, Mary announced later on, "Here we are," as they pulled into a circular diveway. Hamilton opened his eyes and took in the sight of an impressive white and red mansion. A little ways behind it was a shed and greenhouse. They parked behind what he thought was the homeowners' car.

"Are you ready to go?" She asked, turning off the car and grabbing her purse. With a perfunctory nod, Alex stepped out of the car in a daze, pulling his suitcase after him. He didn't bother taking anything in since he wasn't going to be here for long.

Gripping his small suitcase tightly, the two of them made their way up the white steps, and as soon as the reached the mahogany front door, it opened up to reveal a tall gentleman with a kind smile. Exchanging greetings with Mary, he beckoned them to come inside.

Alexander was led to the dining room, keeping his head down and only focusing on the wooden floors. Mary and him sat down at a long table as the man went to go make tea. A petite woman with black hair walked in, and took a seat only after giving the man a small kiss.

"Now," the man said as he laid out their cups of tea, "I'm George Washington, and that beautiful lady over there is my wife, Martha." Alex finally looked up to see them, both smiling like he was the sun.

When he didn't respond, Mary did for him, "And this young man here is Alexander Hamilton, as I'm sure you already now." She gave Alex a quick look that he couldn't decipher if it was disappointment or pity. Probably both. The adults talked amongst themselves, arranging and discussing things for him

"Mrs. Richmond, is there anything else?" Martha asked after half an hour, with a flowing, comforting voice. "We would love to get him acquainted with the house, and later on with Lafayette."

"Please, Martha, it's just Mary, we've gone through this," she chuckled after taking a sip of tea, "You have my card if needed, I'll check back soon. Call me if _anything_ goes wrong, I'm here to help." With that, she stood up, along with the Washingtons, and traded handshakes and hugs before exiting the mansion with Martha.

For a brief second he thought about asking for tomorrow's weather, but it was too late to back out now. George cleaned up the dishes, sending Alex the occasional glance, like he thought he would dash for it. Maybe he would have, if he wasn't too tired, both physically and mentally.

"Hey, son, you doing okay?" George finally asked, putting his hand on Alex's shoulder, "You can go sleep in your room and get a tour later on. If you want, that is." With a weak nod, Alex got and and was guided by George to his room upstairs.

"We didn't know what you want, so the walls are a plain white, and there's a simple blue rug on the ground. There's a desk, table stand, and a walk in closet. Oh, how could I forget, there's also a pretty large bed, obviously. Don't like anything? We'll change it to fit your needs." He looked down at Alexander's tired and worn face, with a smile too pure and true for Alex to handle.

"Thank you, sir," Alex said, and he hoped he meant it. His voice was rough from disuse, and all he could remeber were the days where he would talk nonstop.

"Anything for you," George replied, as they finally made their way up the flight of stairs. Taking a left, the first room was to be his. "Here we are," he opened the door and gestured for Hamilton to go in. "I'll leave you to it, you'll meet Lafayette once you wake," he stated, looking too trustful, before leaving for downstairs.

With a sigh, Alexander set his suitcase down by his bed, and just flopped down onto its softness. Breathing in the warm, clean smell, he quickly fell asleep to the laughter and singing of his mother. A small smile was on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Criticism is welcome! :D


	2. Immigrants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> America's favourite fighting Frenchman!
> 
> (Sorry this is kind of late)

"Can I see him! Can I see him? S'il te plaît!" An excited voice with a French accent made Alexander jerk awake, his heart going a million miles. With a relieved sigh, he closed his eyes. Nothing to hurt him here. Yet.

"Geeeooorge!" The voice was now exasperated, followed closely by loud, hurried footsteps. "He's my new brother! Isn't he?" Hesitancy would of made Alexander somewhat nervous, but without missing a beat, George Washington replied.

"Yes."

He sounded like how his mother used to sound, and this man didn't even know him at all! It was strange, that funny warm feeling blooming in chest was so familiar but distant. Alexander quickly doused it with his new beliefs, but it couldn't be smothered fully. There it was, lurking deeply inside of him, residing in his heart and mind to cause his downfall.

With a sigh and a stretch, he sat up on the bed, rubbing wearily at his blurry eyes. There was whispering outside of the closed door. He was now awake enough to know what was happening. Shrinking in on himself, knees drawn up to his chest, the wish for them to stay out was loud, reverberating in his mind.

Seeing as how none of his wishes have come true, it wasn't surprising to hear George say, "You get yourself acquainted, I'll go make sure dinner is ready." More whispering, which Alexander strained to catch.

A cheery, "d'accord," was all he got before the door was open and someone tumbled in. As they straightened up, Alexander shrank even further in on himself, trying to put as much distance between him and the stranger. The person peered into his eyes searchingly, before taking a seat on the bed.

"Hello," they tried cautiously, moving in closer, "Are you okay?" Their question seemed so genuine, because in America, it seemed like no one cared for a truthful answer. Those eyes, so wide and innocent, Alexander could have burst into tears if he hadn't steeled himself against the outside world. Or so he thought.

When there wasn't a response, they offered a hand to shake. "I hope you are feeling okay," they declared loudly. "You must be feeling lost, like you don't belong, hmm? Do not worry, I'm here, and I've been through this, too!"

Finding a voice, albeit hoarse, Alexander sat up slightly and exclaimed, "You're an orphan?" Was that relief he felt? "I'm an orphan!" A small grin appeared briefly on Alexander's face.

"Isn't that amazing?!" He agreed, a huge smile on his face. "Oh, before I forget, my name is Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette, but you can call me Gilbert, Gil, Lafayette, or Laf," he winked, "What's your name? Where are you from?"

"Alexander Hamilton, my name is Alexander Hamilton. But, uh, you can either call me Alex or Alexander." He shrugged, finally completely unfurling from his spot and shaking Lafayette's awaiting hand. "I'm from Nevis, it's in the Caribbean."

"I'm from France," Lafayette stated, looking both proud and disgusted at the same time. There were clearly conflicting emotions about his home, just like how Alexander felt about his. Did he really understand? Lafayete shook his head to clear out the thoughts of home before changing the topic.

"Well, Alex, are you ready for dinner? I think we're having some form of soup, or was it stew? Da- uh, George didn't tell me a lot." He pondered on this before jumping up from the bed and making his way towards the door. "Whatever it is, remember that you're welcome here, and that you can talk to us."

His seriousness lasted a second before he was jumping up and down at the doorway, tirelessly chanting "Allons-y!" His curly hair kept falling over his face, but that didn't matter. All that mattered to him at the moment was Alexander, he had to prove that this was an amazing place, one that could become a home. He knew it took him awhile to accept everything. 

Alexander had to admit that Lafayette's energy motivated him to unsteadily get to his feet. Though maybe he got up too quickly, dizziness overcoming his balance. Lafayette was at his side in an instant, worry evident on his face.

"Can't handle me, huh?" He chuckled nervously, having Alexander lean on his shoulder, "Why don't we slow down?" Alexander shook his head quickly, not making his current state any better.

"I'm fine!" Noticing how harsh his tone was, he sighed and continued more gently, "Let's just get this over with, I'm fine." Lafayette clearly didn't believe him, but he already knew fighting was pointless.

The pair made their way out and down the stairs, a weak tension filling the air. Lafayette kept sending him glances when he didn't think Alex was looking. Alexander obviously noticed, and wished for a day where people wouldn't look at him something to pity, like he was broken, a lost cause. 

_But of course, wishes never come true._

"Do you call Washington Dad, George, or what?" Alex wondered aloud at the foot of the steps. He peered closely into Lafayette's expressive eyes.

Lafayette just smiled before easily answering, "Dad, but George to mess with him." He paused. "He's the closest thing to a dad I've ever had, so doesn't that make him my dad? My father died when I was two, and my mother left for Paris to go live with her family. I was 'raised' by my paternal grandmother, before coming here. It's... Better here, for me, that is. My biological family was too focused on money and titles, my well-being wasn't a priority."

He took a slow, deep breath, lost in thought. Alexander realised that Lafayette didn't have to tell him all of this, and for that, he was grateful. Maybe he _could_ give this place a chance.

"Boys!" George Washington's powerful voice rang out. Turning a corner, he spotted them, and grinned. He saw something on their faces, and knew more than they would for a long time. "I was just about to go up. How are you two?"

Looking at each other, they both said, "Fine," in unison. Alexander felt like this was actually a time when he meant it.

"Alright," George said nodding in approval, "Then who's ready to eat?" For this, he stared directly at Alexander, trying not to seem excited and nervous. The two boys looked at each other before nodding. Satisfied with this, George gestured to the room he had come from and and happily said, "Let's go!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Google Translate can only go so far... Tell me if anything is wrong, and criticism is always welcome!


	3. New York/New Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Needs... More.... Angst...

"Okay, okay," George rubbed his hands together, "You two go wait in the dining room. We'll be there soon, and Lafayette, no hopping around before dinner." Lafayette reluctantly put his feet down, while Alexander just hid his laugh behind a hand.

"What's going on, you can tell me," Lafayette stage whispered. George shook his head, amused at all the energy he had. "S'il te plaît! You can trust me! I am a spy, no information will get out."

Alexander was shot a suspicious glance, "Aha! An enemy, that I will now dispose of!" Lafayette easily picked up Alexander small frame, not noticing the fear that flashed across his face. While they were distracted, George slipped away to be sure that everything was set up correctly.

"Lafayette, put me down!" Alexander demanded, feebly stuggling. Lafayette instead put Alexander over his shoulder, walking in small circles proudly. "Lafayette, Laf, Gilbert come on, I'm not joking, put me down, _please!_ " 

He choked back a sob, panic blooming from his chest before covering him like a darkness. Lafayette did notice this, quickly setting him down. He turned Alexander to face him, and seeing his facial expression, pulled him in for a hug.

"I'm so sorry, I did not think my actions through!" He started babbling into Alexander's messy hair, and Alexander didn't think all of the apologizing was for him. They stayed there for a moment, "Mon ami, we will talk about this later," Lafayette whispered before stepping back from the embrace.

Alexander tried to look nonchalant, but dread must of shown through. Lafayette gave him a reassuring smile that didn't reach his worried and confused eyes.

Alexander groaned, covering his head in his hands. _Not again,_ he thought desperately, _no one should know. Not after last time._ He took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. Lafayette put a hand on Alex's houlder.

"Okay guys, we're all set!" They followed the sound of George's voice until they reached the dining room. Both, though equally confused, were anticipating what was going to happen.

The dining room was amazing, and looked richer than all of Alexander's old foster homes. He gaped as he took in the cystal chandelier over a long mahogany table draped in maroon. The surrounding walls were covered in landscape paintings, portraits, and sketches.

"You guys can sit there," George gestured to chairs that looked better than Alexander ever had. "Martha and I will be across the table. Now, you guys will have to wait for this, okay? Just _stew_ in the moment." He chuckled to himself as he left through a door in the back.

As soon as they had gotten comfortable, Martha and George walked in carrying drinks and platters respectively. Once they set these down in the correct spots, they both shared a nervous glance with each other.

"Okay, I'll let you guys see what we got you-" George paused, pointedly staring at Lafayette who was trying to be discreet as he pulled his drink closed. "As I was saying, we hope you guys enjoy your dinner and your stay here."

He nodded to Martha.

He lifted the lids off the platters for the teens', while Martha did her own and George's. Immediately, Alexander smelled the Caribbean, and he tried to take deeper breaths for it to stay. He swore that at this moment, the ocean really was there, long lost best friends finally reunited.

Lafayette was so thankful for what he got that English completely disappeared from his mind. Alexander stared blankly at the bowl in front of him. Lafayette's voice was raising higher and higher, promising one day do the same for the Washingtons'. It wasn't enough to drown out the buzzing in Alexander's head.

Silence. The air quickly became silent as they all gazed expectantly at Alexander. Too many eyes, too many emotions, too many homes, too many losts, too many goodbyes, too many... _Too many..._

He cracked, tears cascading down his face, saltier than his long lost ocean. Goat water stew. That's what they made him. Smelling as good as when his mother would make it, so many birthdays ago.

She saved up so much for him. She saved so much that he got all of the medicine when they were sick. She saved all of her attention for him. _For him_

For him, she would die. And she ended up having to. He'll never know this, but as she watched her son, flushed with fever dreams, she knew that was going to be the day that her life ended, the day that his began. 

She thanked God for taking her instead that night. She planted a single kiss on his forehead and flew away as he flew to America.

Now, here he was, hands clenched, eyes shut. He heard Lafayette scoot his chair closer, before putting his arm around Alexander. Opening his eyes, he looked around, all of their faces so warm and supportive.

"Thank you," he said hoarsely, pouring all of his emotions into those two words, "Thank you."

Lafayette lifted his cup up, "To new brothers," he happily cheered. Martha and George followed suit.

"To new children," Martha agreed, smiling softer than her tone.

"To new memories," George promised, looking at the three of then in turn.

Alexander tried to think of something, his voice felt trapped in his throat, wishing for words not to fail him. And they didn't.

"To us!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usually, when trying to write stories, I stop right here :D  
> Criticism is always welcome!  
> Angst is too!
> 
> Btw, George would totally be the one making puns.
> 
> Also, on this day, Alexander and Eliza were married in 1780!


	4. Eyes On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Checks email*  
> *Sees something from ao3*  
> Wait a second...  
> *Zoom into face*  
> Oh shhhh----
> 
> Whoa there kiddos, I didn't forget you hahahahha *James Madison coughing break* Here... Here ya go. Be warned my children, there's some semi strong language and self hate at the end! It'll only get worse!
> 
> -Uh, Alex isn't doing so well and George helps him set up his school schedule-

The rest of dinner went relatively well, though Alexander felt a storm brewing inside. He thought that it had already died down. Emotions, old and new, kept trying to force their way through his genuine, albeit weak, smile. Nodding when needed, letting out chuckles here and there, he pretended not to notice the impending doom sure to knock him off balance.

Not much was asked of him, saved for a later, more organised day. Lafayette carried the conversation with a flourish of waving hands. He discreetly tried to keep everything on him, to let Alexander breathe under new circumstances. He knew this better than Martha and George, knew how it felt to have them attempt to understand an foreign concept.

This time, however, they had an expert on hand, and knowledge of what went well, plus what didn't, from Lafayette's arrival. Though the two teens differed greatly, there was always a common ground. They just had to find it without too much pushing. Too much, though, was going through Alexander's mind.

What started as an uncomfortable buzz grew into a spreading of static; mixing with the more pleasant sounds of his new life until it grew into a roaring mass. He focused with difficulty on the meal in front of him. Deep breaths in and out, Lafayette excitedly mentioned that there were three new students, his nails dug into his thighs. All was well.

"Oh, I almost forgot to mention, Alexander, you'll be going to Lafayette's school. The time to do so is up to you, as long as it isn't years from now!" Slight chuckling as George leaned forward. He clasped his hands together, and all eyes were now on Alexander.

"So, what do you say? Your schedule has already been picked, except for electives, which we'll go over after this online. All advanced core classes, by the way, good job." Warmth almost bloomed its way through the swirling clouds in his tightened chest.

"Do you have a time best for you? It's okay if you don't-" Alexander jerked his head upwards, staring at them with the flame briefly back in his eyes.

" _Now._ " His sudden ferocity surprising them, the strength in his voice even leaving him shocked. Worried looks were passed around, but remained silent.

"Okay..." George responded after a beat of silence, having an intense look. He glanced at Martha only to receive an unsure shrug. "If we're all done here, let's go complete your course sheet. Lafayette, are you fine with cleaning up alone?" A short nod and all stood up in sync, except for Alexander.

George pressed a kiss into his wife's hair, "I know you have some business calls to make, give them all you got." A tired sigh, "We sure do need it against our new opponent..."

He made his way out of the room with a motion for Alexander to follow. With downcast eyes, he did so quickly. Promising to see all of the house later, he focused on counting the steps, a soothing distraction.

"Hey, Alexander," they were in a dim yet homey study now, George sitting down on a deep blue sofa. Walls like solid chocolate surrounded them, separated from the rest of the room like an offering of safety and knowledge. An old desk was pushed off into the back, uneven stacks of paper shifted slightly, a lamp illuminating peaceful shadows.

What took Alexander's breath away was a large doorway that led to rows upon rows of bookshelves. He itched to go there, yet was afraid of what might be held there. Writing and reading, what was desired always brought the most pain.

George patted the spot by him, opening a gray laptop that rested on a coffee table. Typing away with ease, he pulled up a website, showing it to Alexander once he took his seat. Sinking down into it, he looked at the form with confusion.

"It's how you apply for classes," George explained, "You're pre-enrolled in Advanced Algebra 2, Pre AP English, Pre AP History, and Honors Biology. These are all of your core subjects. What we will be doing now is picking electives, which you can have three of, if they're full year ones, and" he clicked a link, "Here is the list of them, and what is required to graduate. Go ahead, you can have moment to check over them."

Alexander did so, brows furrowed and squinted eyes. George sat back, watching him with something akin to pride, "You know, they almost didn't want you to be put into more 'difficult' classes. They were worried that you wouldn't be able to handle it. But, Martha and I convinced them otherwise, looking back at your record.

"You're impressive, you know that?" George hesitantly put a hand Alexander's back, offering a wide smile. He looked up and shakily returned it, a moment of fear conquered by another burst of warmth. Clearing his throat, he nervously laughed at being the focus. George removed his hand.

"I, uh-" he paused and took a deep breath, "I chose all full year ones, and, uh... They are French 1, and, um, Debate and... PE to get that out of the way." He glanced at the older man for approval. George nodded, causing Alexander to sigh in relief.

"That's all good, I'll put them now." Once the classes were locked, George stood up. "Okay, I'll receive your schedule, with all class times planned, tomorrow to print out. We're lucky that it's a Saturday, so we'll start school shopping tomorrow, and then you can begin the week with everyone else! How does that sound?"

Alexander looked down, ready to flee to his room. "It sounds good. I'm gonna go to bed now." He rose to wobbly feet, before glancing over, "If that's okay with you." George seemed perplexed, and gave a sad nod.

"You don't have to ask to leave. If you ever feel uncomfortable, or even overwhelmed, none of us will be offended is you leave, okay?" Alexander gave a hesitant and nervous smile.

"Still, no offense, sir," he ducked out of the room without a backwards glance. Retracing his early steps, he left through a spotless kitchen, and found the stairs. Bounding up, he barely remembered to take a left. By now his breathing was coming in ragged huffs.

_Stop it, stop it, stop it! How can you be so fucking pathetic when everyone's trying to help you. Look at yourself, a mess, so fucking helpless. A bastard, son of a... Yet here you are, a waste of space and time actually wanted by people. They'll probably be like all the others. They always are. No one truly wants you._

_No one wants me..._

He opened the door before silently collapsing onto the ground. Crawling a bit forward, he kicked the door shut with a groan. A brief thought of going to that soft, comfy bed passed his mind, but He didn't have any energy or motivation to do it. The floor will do, much more than what he deserved.

Was he even _here_ at the moment? He didn't feel like he was anywhere. Just... Floating, his body so unnatural and unreal. With a whimper, he forced his burning eyes closed for a small chance of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, huh? Remember, criticism is always welcomed (and needed!!!) Don't hold back, though not too much, for I am a very emotional person! :)))) Seriously though, tell me of any inconsistencies you might find. Also, I'll probably often switch from American (me) English to traditional (not me) English. Sorry about this!
> 
> I probably won't work on this for a while, and now Edit: I've branched off into DEH, and soon enough BMC, but don't think I am just going to abandon L/H/N! I plan to start focusing on this again in a few months, so thanks for being patient and waiting for it!!!


End file.
